I Accept My Challenge

I think someone needs to make this point absolutely clear. And I mean impossibly, beyond-the-shadow-of-a-doubt obvious. Modern horror is forgetting what it's supposed to do. Last night, after watching the particularly miserable Paranormal Activity 3, I couldn't help but feel that we could all use a little reminder about what makes a movie genuinely scary. Having something pop up on the screen and go "boo!" is not scary. Let's get this out of the way first. You want to know what made the first Paranormal Activity watchable? It lacked pretension, not pretense. Here's my brief summary of the film: Couple moves into house, strange things happen at a pretty acceptable pace, spurned on by organic and believable actions, and the ending is a pretty satisfying shot. Sure it doesn't have much to offer if you try to watch it a second time, but that's the curse of "found footage" movies.

See? I'm not a terrible person. I appreciate Paranormal Activity because it is simple, it keeps a good bit of tension running throughout, and it keeps an air of mystery around the cause of the haunting. And truth be told, the most genuinely scary moments are the ones where the action happens off-screen. The Ouija Board bit was tacky and stretched my suspension of disbelief a little far, but the rest of the movie kind of made up for that. Now, let's move forward, powering through the sequel. Paranormal Activity 2. You want to know what happens? No spoilers, I promise. Okay: Nothing at all. And then there's a kitchen scene that would have made the movie worth it if I hadn't tuned out and started thinking about my perfect breakfast sandwich an hour earlier. We won't even discuss the plot holes here, because that's a whole other ball of wax.

Which brings me to Paranormal Activity 3, the culmination of the fail. I'll admit, I was pretty excited to watch it, so as I curled up in my theater chair with a bowl of popcorn, I expected to see something similar to the original film. Apparently, I have subtle brain damage, because I hoped that the "finale" would show the same kind of enthusiasm present in the original. Boy, was I wrong. Synopsis away: Nothing happens. Then a couple of neat visual magic tricks happen. Then, the most insulting fifteen minutes of film you can find (outside of Splice) start to unfold before your eyes. At this point, you should ask for your money back. And no, I'm not just saying this because I'm bitter, or because I genuinely want my money back. Some of you might say that I'm just writing this because I wish I made as much money as the creators of the Paranormal Activity Trilogy (which is most likely going to get another sequel) and you wouldn't be entirely wrong. Who wouldn't want that kind of money? But I know what some people might say next: "Well, if you can do better, why don't you?" And that's why I'm writing this column. Consider this a preface to a short story that will take an alternate approach to the clusterfuck that is Paranormal Activity's lore. My next entry will be my version of the events of the last two movies, written out in a narrative fashion that will serve as a spiritual successor and partial brain-bleach for those among you who wish to unsee (in some part) Paranormal Activity 2 and 3. Look for it soon.

/rant

This is Rosenbloom,signing off.